if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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