Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just pee around me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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