He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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