I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize