Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize