this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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