youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
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The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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