Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize