Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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