ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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