i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
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I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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