I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
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Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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