That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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