my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize