All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize