I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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