I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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