Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
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Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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