dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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