I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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