Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize