nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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