...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
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This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
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Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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