You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
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I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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