I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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