Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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