I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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