glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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