I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
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he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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