I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the day after is always just damage control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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