i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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