I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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