i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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