Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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