really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
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I checked into jail on foursquare
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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