How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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