It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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