i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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