She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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