Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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