I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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