God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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