his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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