Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
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Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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