so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
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For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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