I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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