just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
