True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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