decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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