Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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